Day 92

A lot of times, I think that I deserve better and that I shouldn't settle for anything less because if I don't treat myself well, who would? Other times, I tell myself that I should be happy and contented with what I have.

But most of the time, I'm just confused and indecisive.

Is it wrong to want more?
But think about how much you already have.
Should I be dissatisfied and disappointed because things don't always go my way?
But think about the times when things did go well, and you're happy.
If problems persist, does it mean that things aren't meant to be?
But you're not perfect, so don't expect others to be.


Sometimes it's really driving me crazy, rocking back and forth between the two extremes. Where is the tipping point? How do I know it?

... maybe I'm just being a selfish coward who's afraid of getting hurt and taking the next step. :(

Day 78

there's got to be more to life than this.

Day 70

Just this week, I had a couple of people asking me if I did regret, throwing what I had back home to come here. I'm not regretting it yet, but I'm not sure if the same could be said in a couple of months' time.

I've considered my options, weighed the pros and cons multiple times before I made my decision. I am well aware of the things that I will have to sacrifice in order to achieve what I came here for. So it's not like I did not expect some of the glitches I face today; things have been good so far, not very well, but hey, it could have been worse, no? I'm grateful that I still see the silver lining to my whole predicament here and that things are still going on as planned.

Nevertheless, it did got me thinking, if I had made the right choice. The way I rationalize to myself is that, a couple of years down the road, I don't want to look back and regret that I've not seized the opportunity, and I know that these things don't come often knocking on your door. Also, if it's really not meant to be, I could always pack my bags and return to the place where I call home. Sounds perfect, but ... is this really what I want?

To be honest, I don't really know if this is what I want. Heck, I don't even know what exactly do I want. My ever practical self tells me that this is the right thing to do, but the little voice in me keeps reminding me that I'm missing out on a lot of things. It's something that I've been struggling with for a long time, and till today, I'm not entirely sure what my priorities are and should be.

Recently, I watched a drama that revolves around the dilemmas that women today face. Indeed, I feel that a lot of it were relevant to me. In the end, the moral of the story that I learned (although I'm not sure if that was intended) was that we can never have it all. And it's true when I look around me, I see many intelligent and capable women who took a step back on their career to take care of and to have time for their children and family. No doubt it's such a selfless and loving thing to do, but I'm not sure if I could ever make such a huge sacrifice. On the other hand, I see some high-flying, successful and independent women who's fighting a tough battle up the career ladder, but come home to an empty home. I've always believed that in today's world, career and family are no longer trade-offs, but time and again, I'm reminded that there will always be a need for a compromise.

How much are you willing to sacrifice? At the end of the day, what's really important to you? I don't have the answers to it now, but I do hope that it becomes clearer with time.


Despite the long babble, I know very well that this is a decision I made, and therefore, I shall and will stick to it. No regrets. :)