Day 160

My mum has been staying with me for the past fortnight, which explains why there's a gap between my last post. Even though the temperatures have been plummeting for the last two weeks, the truth is, I've not felt warmer here since Day 1.

There's an indescribable joy and sense of belonging to know that there's someone at home to come back to after a long day's work, dinner laid on the table for you, but most importantly to know that that someone loves you for who you are, unconditionally.


Coming back to my apartment today after sending her off at the airport feels ... empty.

Once again, I'm reminded that this will never be my final destination, no matter how easy it is to fall into familiarity and complacency.

Day 144

Some updates:

1. I've finally moved. In fact, it has been 3 weeks now that I've settled in my new 'home' - and am loving every bit of it. No doubt it was the right decision to move out, ... but ah, will worry about the expense later on. :)

2. Will be spending my weekend in London - just the thought of the food, the familiar faces, and the shopping is making me excited already.

3. Will be flying back home in February - for a well deserved holiday!!!

Day 121

Lately, I think that I've become more needy. At times, I think that I would actually be willing to throw away everything I have, in exchange of someone who would give me his attention 24/7.


Damn, is age catching up on me? Or is the flu affecting my abilities to think straight?

Day 119

Is it wrong for me to want something that shouldn't even have crossed my mind in the first place?


每个坚强的女人都会有脆弱小女人的一面。

Day 105

Sometimes I'm amazed at how much better this has turned out than I've imagined. Of course, things at work could be much better, but I'm pretty sure it will accelerate from here, with more responsibilities and work to come. That said, I'm still quite sure that, home, would be my final destination. Like I've said a couple of months back, just because I'm less happy, doesn't mean I can't be happy, right?

Other than that, I'm pretty excited about November, as I'll be moving to my new apartment!!! Whee~ There are a lot of things that I have to settle at the moment, a couple of glitches here and there, a BIG commitment to come (at least financially) when I finally have my own place, but as a friend mentioned to me the other day, there's nothing like coming back to your own sanctuary after a long day of work - and I couldn't agree more!

Two friends here are going back home end of this month for good. It's funny how everyone is running away from here, and I came back despite everything. I still find it hard to grasp, how fate intertwines with your life. Barely a year ago, I thought I'd be back for good, taking in everything here as if it's my last time. Now that I'm back here, a lot of things remain the same, but I guess things do feel different when you look at it at another perspective.

I just realized how much I miss autumn and the beautiful colors.

I have plans, but I'm not gonna reveal it here, other than the fact that I don't want to jinx it by saying it out loud. So let's just hope that things will go right as planned. :)

Day 92

A lot of times, I think that I deserve better and that I shouldn't settle for anything less because if I don't treat myself well, who would? Other times, I tell myself that I should be happy and contented with what I have.

But most of the time, I'm just confused and indecisive.

Is it wrong to want more?
But think about how much you already have.
Should I be dissatisfied and disappointed because things don't always go my way?
But think about the times when things did go well, and you're happy.
If problems persist, does it mean that things aren't meant to be?
But you're not perfect, so don't expect others to be.


Sometimes it's really driving me crazy, rocking back and forth between the two extremes. Where is the tipping point? How do I know it?

... maybe I'm just being a selfish coward who's afraid of getting hurt and taking the next step. :(

Day 78

there's got to be more to life than this.

Day 70

Just this week, I had a couple of people asking me if I did regret, throwing what I had back home to come here. I'm not regretting it yet, but I'm not sure if the same could be said in a couple of months' time.

I've considered my options, weighed the pros and cons multiple times before I made my decision. I am well aware of the things that I will have to sacrifice in order to achieve what I came here for. So it's not like I did not expect some of the glitches I face today; things have been good so far, not very well, but hey, it could have been worse, no? I'm grateful that I still see the silver lining to my whole predicament here and that things are still going on as planned.

Nevertheless, it did got me thinking, if I had made the right choice. The way I rationalize to myself is that, a couple of years down the road, I don't want to look back and regret that I've not seized the opportunity, and I know that these things don't come often knocking on your door. Also, if it's really not meant to be, I could always pack my bags and return to the place where I call home. Sounds perfect, but ... is this really what I want?

To be honest, I don't really know if this is what I want. Heck, I don't even know what exactly do I want. My ever practical self tells me that this is the right thing to do, but the little voice in me keeps reminding me that I'm missing out on a lot of things. It's something that I've been struggling with for a long time, and till today, I'm not entirely sure what my priorities are and should be.

Recently, I watched a drama that revolves around the dilemmas that women today face. Indeed, I feel that a lot of it were relevant to me. In the end, the moral of the story that I learned (although I'm not sure if that was intended) was that we can never have it all. And it's true when I look around me, I see many intelligent and capable women who took a step back on their career to take care of and to have time for their children and family. No doubt it's such a selfless and loving thing to do, but I'm not sure if I could ever make such a huge sacrifice. On the other hand, I see some high-flying, successful and independent women who's fighting a tough battle up the career ladder, but come home to an empty home. I've always believed that in today's world, career and family are no longer trade-offs, but time and again, I'm reminded that there will always be a need for a compromise.

How much are you willing to sacrifice? At the end of the day, what's really important to you? I don't have the answers to it now, but I do hope that it becomes clearer with time.


Despite the long babble, I know very well that this is a decision I made, and therefore, I shall and will stick to it. No regrets. :)

Day 63

So I found an apartment that's located near to my work place. I'm still not convinced if I've made the right decision to stay here rather than move to the city, but it's a choice I've made, and I'll stick to it. Having found an apartment doesn't mean the problems are all solved, there's still other nitty gritty stuff to be handled before I can finally move in and have a sanctuary of my own.

Oh well, at least one item's been checked and I'm one step nearer to it. ;)

The boyfriend will be flying home tomorrow for 3 weeks. I hate the fact of being alone but I guess I should have anticipated it when I first decided to come back here, ... anyhow, hopefully things at work will look better in the coming weeks.


I know I can do this.

Day 51

oh wow, I passed the 50 days mark, ... and still surviving.


searching for a new apartment is nerve-wrecking, and sad to say, I have yet to find one that's of my liking but still within my budget. I'm still pretty much undecided on where to move to, and honestly speaking, I don't know if moving is a good idea after all.


ARGH.

Day 43

I've been contemplating for awhile now whether I should move.

I'm okay staying in a shared apartment, I mean the people are nice, the room's well furnished and the apartment is more than adequately equipped. What more can I ask for?

Privacy.

It's not like anyone's intruding my privacy, but sometimes I just want to have a space completely for myself and the freedom to do anything in my very own place. And I want just that. To be able to walk around the house in torn t-shirts, to walk into the bathroom any time when I need to and stay however long I want to, to not have unwashed dishes in the sink bother me or people walking into the house with their shoes on, to not have to engage in small talks when I don't feel like it, ... I don't think I need to elaborate further.

Of course, all these comes with a price too - higher rent, paying more for utilities as well as getting additional furniture and equipment. But for once, I think I should listen to my heart, and not let money bother me.

Also, I'm quite undecided whether I should move to the city or stay nearby to my workplace. There's pros and cons for both choices, ... I would so love to stay in the city, be able to get authentic Asian food, be nearer to people I know. But at the same time, I also dread the thought of having to spend almost 2 hours of my day commuting to and fro to work.

Whoever said that life's easy?


Le sigh.

Day 40

Is the novelty finally wearing off?



... if no, why do i feel vibes of misery? :/

Day 38

Had a wonderful weekend in strasbourg with the boyfriend. ♥ It's such a beautiful city that I'm surprised that it has never crossed my mind to visit here before. Perhaps it's not such a bad idea to be back here, to have a second chance to experience and explore things that I've taken for granted.

On the other hand, oh wow, it has been more than a month since I left home! There are still a lot of considerations, uncertainties and frustrations in my mind, but I think for now, let's just sit back and watch how the future unravels. :)

Day 21

I spent the weekend with friends and acquaintances, whom I've known for many years yet have never really took the time to actually know them. While I've not made BFFs over the weekend, it made me realise a lot of things and how foolish I was back then to have taken things for granted. When I look back and reflect - neither the timing, the people nor the circumstances were the blockades, but it has always been me, that was restricting myself.

Nevertheless, I believe that it's never too late to improve things.

***

Lately, I find myself doing, thinking or even enjoying things that never would have crossed my mind a few years back. Now and again, I'm surprised by how much my mindset has changed over time. While I'm not entirely sure if I've gotten used to this stranger, I'm actually quite happy to see these changes and to be honest, I do look forward to discover the other sides of myself as well.

***

That aside, I'm glad I decided to travel all the way to meet up with them. I definitely enjoyed the company and the fireworks. :)

Day 16

just because I'm less happy, doesn't mean I can't be happy.



right?

Day 13

It's been almost 2 weeks since I'm here.

It does feel different being alone again, but so far I've managed to keep myself busy to think about it. Perhaps it's good in a way too. Maybe lowering your expectations and preparing for the worst do make things better, oh well. But I'm determined not to let myself dwell in negativity and fall into depression like before. :)

Work has been interesting and I do foresee challenging times and steep learning curves ahead, but that's not unexpected, isn't it?

On a brighter note, I received a surprise gift yesterday. Orchids ♥ ! Hopefully this one lasts!

Day 2

had a pleasant flight here - managed to check-in 25.2kg of luggage, nothing got stolen despite having forgotten to lock my luggage (gah!), and slept almost throughout the whole journey, only waking up for meals. :)

day 1 and 2 were spent running errands - opening a bank account, getting a health insurance, and meeting the boss. so far, so good. not much time for me to think about other stuff ...



how do i feel coming back here?


everything feels familiar, yet very foreign.

Day 0

sitting in my room now, relishing the last few hours before i depart, i'm surprised myself that i'm not swamped with emotions. neither am i excited, sad nor anticipating my departure.

nevertheless, i think that this whole new chapter in my life deserves to be penned down, hence, the start of a new blog.


this time around, let's keep it simple.